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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[dramatic string music]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪

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- Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome to the stage
Fahim Anwar!

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[cheers and applause]

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- Thank you.

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Thank you.

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[cheers and applause]

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Thank you.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you for coming
to my special, guys.

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Really cool to be shooting it
here in L.A.

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I've lived here
for, like, ten years now,

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and I don't love it,

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just because everyone out here
is trying to make it, you know.

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Everyone's delusional.

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Like, you could walk up to any
random person in Hollywood

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and be like,
"Hey, I'm a big fan."

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And they'd be like, "Thank you."

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"Thank you,
really appreciate it."

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Even if they were just a walker
on "The Walking Dead."

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They'd be like, "You're familiar
with my work, yeah.

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Does this ring a bell?"

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[scream-hissing]

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00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:57,334
"That's me.

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"That's me, bro.

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"Lot of lozenges that day,
you know?

30
00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:05,255
Just got to coat the throat."

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00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:06,648
It's so funny.

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00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:09,564
Like, nobody wants
to grow up out here.

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00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:13,220
Everyone has Peter Pan Syndrome.

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That's why everyone
dresses so weird in L.A.

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It's like everyone's closet
in Hollywood

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00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,924
is just a lost-and-found box.

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You know?

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00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:25,928
They're like, "All right,
Friday night, what do we got?

39
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:30,541
"We'll do vest
with no shirt on.

40
00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:34,415
"Sombrero in ski boots.

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00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,286
All right."

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Everyone on Sunset Boulevard

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just looks
like a Sims character.

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"Hey, what's up,
you want to fuck?

45
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:45,339
"No, all right, keep walking.

46
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"What's up, you want to fuck?

47
00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:49,081
"No, all right, same as--
okay, yeah.

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00:02:49,125 --> 00:02:52,955
Don't get discouraged."

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00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:54,348
I live a little
outside of Hollywood.

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I live in Koreatown.

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[cheering]

52
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Yeah.

53
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You know you're not doing well
when you live

54
00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:07,839
in another ethnic group's town.

55
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There's this McDonald's
I'll go to sometimes,

56
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just to get out of the house.

57
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And...

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You got to break up the day,
you know?

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So I go there, I get a tea,

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the guy gives me the tea,

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and I go,
"Do you have any honey?"

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And he goes, "Honey?"

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Like I just blew his mind.

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Like he's never heard
of that combo before.

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I go, "Yeah, honey."

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He goes, "Mm, let me check."

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He goes in the back
for way too long.

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I don't see him
for, like, 20 minutes.

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And then he pops out
and he goes,

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"We've got, like,
honey mustard."

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Like, why--
why would you suggest that?

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Like that's even an option.

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Is anyone like, "Oh, yeah,
that's the same shit.

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"Yeah, bring that out.

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"Do you have any barbecue sauce
or chipotle mayo?

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"I'm trying to make
the most disgusting cup of tea

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"ever known to man.

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"Do you have a raw hot dog
you could plop into there?

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"The tea will cook it.

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It'll be like a fucked up
version of pho."

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Like, that went through
several logic gates in his mind,

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00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:36,363
and he was still like,
"We got honey mustard,

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"in case you got, like,
a coffee filter

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"and you can, like,
filter out the mustard.

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"Maybe you got, like,
a butane lighter

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"and you can burn off
the mustard.

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"You can MacGyver
some honey out of this, dog.

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"Just don't give up.

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I believe in you."

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I was walking
around my neighborhood.

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It was a super sunny day,

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and then it just started raining
out of nowhere,

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like, really hard.

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And I passed this block,

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and there was this Mexican dude
selling all these umbrellas.

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00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:10,658
And I was like,
that was pretty fast.

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Like, where did he get
all those umbrellas that fast?

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And then I realized,
Mexicans in L.A.

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are just always selling
what you need

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before you even know
you need it.

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00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:31,113
You ever been on a romantic
dinner date with a girl,

102
00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:35,030
and then out of nowhere,
they're just like, "Roses?

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00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:37,902
Hmm...roses?"

104
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,295
Just like the "Duck Hunt" dog.

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Just, "Roses?"

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You'll be coming
out of a club at 2:00 a.m.,

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like, "Oh, fuck, man,
I'm starving."

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"Tacos?"

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[hissing]

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"Tacos that I grill
on a shopping cart?"

111
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:05,669
[hissing]

112
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Business was slow over here.

113
00:06:07,715 --> 00:06:10,631
[hissing]

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I like how no one will eat
at a B-rated restaurant,

115
00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:18,682
but they'll eat
at shopping cart tacos all day.

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"Ah...it's all good, dude.

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"Oh, dude, ten tacos
for a nickel.

118
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"That's crazy dude.
How do they...

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It's nuts."

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They're just always
selling what you need

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00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,483
before you even know
you need it, you know?

122
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Like, your plane
could be going down,

123
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:40,835
you look in the aisle,
there's a Mexican guy like,

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"Parachute?"

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00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:48,103
[laughter and applause]

126
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:52,368
"Parachute.

127
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,153
Senor, parachute for the lady?"

128
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:58,113
[laughter and applause]

129
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:03,031
[mumbling gently]

130
00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:09,472
"It's good to do...
for the lady."

131
00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:13,084
There's a lot of pigeons
in my neighborhood.

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00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:14,869
I like pigeons.

133
00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:19,961
Pigeons are like
the hipsters of birds,

134
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:22,529
because they have
the ability to fly

135
00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:24,487
but choose not to.

136
00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:32,364
They're like,
"What are you, flying?"

137
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:42,853
"Yeah, I used to do that.

138
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This is my new jam."

139
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I was sitting on a bench
in my neighborhood

140
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in front of this, like,
huge flight of stairs,

141
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,820
and I thought
this pigeon was gonna,

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00:07:52,863 --> 00:07:54,386
like, flap down all of them,

143
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:56,911
but he literally
just took the stairs.

144
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:09,271
Then he looked at me
and he went, "Leg day."

145
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:14,319
"Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to whip this French fry

146
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:16,844
into smaller pieces
with my beak."

147
00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:28,246
Some people don't like pigeons.

148
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They think they're a nuisance.

149
00:08:30,205 --> 00:08:31,206
You know, like flies.

150
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:33,295
Nobody gives a shit about flies.

151
00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:37,038
You'll swat them, be like,
"Fuckin' get out of here."

152
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:40,258
But we don't do that with bees,
really, right?

153
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:43,044
Because bees have
the ability to sting you,

154
00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:45,394
so there's a level of respect.

155
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A bee is basically
a fly with a gun.

156
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People act the same way too,
like, "Oh, shit, it's a bee.

157
00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:03,107
Just let it do
whatever it wants."

158
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:12,029
"We don't have any honey, okay?

159
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:13,770
"Just leave us alone.

160
00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:14,945
"Here's an empty Coke can.

161
00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:18,209
Just fucking leave."

162
00:09:18,253 --> 00:09:23,432
The bee's like,
"Well, well, well...

163
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:25,913
"What do we got here?

164
00:09:25,956 --> 00:09:30,918
"Oh, this potato salad?

165
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,615
"You don't mind
if I walk around all over it

166
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:35,183
right quick, do you?"

167
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:42,625
[squelching]

168
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,975
"What you gonna do about it?

169
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,281
"Yeah, that's right.

170
00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:47,543
[squelching]

171
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,980
"This is my picnic now.

172
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:51,068
Fuck your Sunday."

173
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:53,288
[buzzes]

174
00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:56,334
Just flies away.

175
00:09:56,378 --> 00:09:57,640
This is a fun show.

176
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:58,859
This is, like, ideal
for stand-up,

177
00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:00,469
like, you know, great crowd.

178
00:10:00,512 --> 00:10:03,124
I had to do stand-up
on a hip-hop show recently,

179
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:05,343
which was the worst,

180
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:07,345
because it's a very different
energy, you know.

181
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:10,087
Everybody was wilin' out
for the hip-hop.

182
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:11,088
They were like...

183
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:12,612
[beat-boxing]

184
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:13,656
"Put your hands up!

185
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,223
"Put your hands up!

186
00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:18,313
All right, now we've got
a stand-up comedian."

187
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:33,850
I'm like, "Hey, how's
everybody doing tonight?

188
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:38,072
"Y'all ready to have
way less fun?

189
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:42,685
"Y'all ready to bring
the energy way down?

190
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,905
"Bust out your sleeping bags,

191
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:49,649
'cause it's about to get drowsy
up in here."

192
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,259
That's like a girl
jerking a dude off

193
00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:53,304
and he's like,
"Ugh, I'm about to come."

194
00:10:53,348 --> 00:10:57,308
She's like, "Before you do,
please welcome Fahim Anwar!"

195
00:11:06,448 --> 00:11:09,103
"Hey, what's up?

196
00:11:09,146 --> 00:11:11,540
"I know you're getting
jerked off right now,

197
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:14,717
"but these are some things I was
thinking about earlier today.

198
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,284
"Just want to run them by you
before you jizz,

199
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:19,809
if that's cool."

200
00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:23,508
I had to do stand-up
on an urban show recently.

201
00:11:23,552 --> 00:11:25,989
And urban show
is a little different

202
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:27,991
than, like, a regular
stand-up show.

203
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:30,733
First of all, there's always
a DJ in the background.

204
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:32,169
And sometimes he'll chime in.

205
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:36,086
Sometimes he'll be like,
"Ha-ha,"

206
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:40,221
or, "That's crazy."

207
00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:42,353
I noticed all the comics,
whenever they got introduced,

208
00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:44,312
they wouldn't just come up
and do their jokes.

209
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:48,011
They would, like, dance
for a little bit beforehand.

210
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,404
The emcee would be like,

211
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,622
"All right, I want y'all
to make it loud

212
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:52,189
for D Ram!"

213
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:55,149
[beat-boxing]

214
00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:58,630
"DJ, cut that shit."

215
00:11:58,674 --> 00:12:00,023
[trilling]

216
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:09,685
"Yeah, how y'all
feeling tonight?

217
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,339
Y'all good?"

218
00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:13,645
Every single one of them
did that.

219
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,735
I went first on the show.

220
00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:18,607
I didn't know
that was an option.

221
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,568
Next time I get booked
on the show,

222
00:12:23,612 --> 00:12:27,094
I want to do that but,
like, dance for way to long.

223
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:29,009
They're like, "All right,
I want y'all to make it loud

224
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,793
for Fahim Anwar!"

225
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:33,753
[beat-boxing]

226
00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:44,589
[beat-boxing continues]

227
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:53,773
[beat-boxing continues]

228
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:04,609
[cheers and applause]

229
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:07,569
[beat-boxing continues]

230
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,534
"DJ, cut that shit."

231
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:18,798
[trilling]

232
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,103
Yeah.

233
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:23,063
[cheers and applause]

234
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:30,766
"Yeah, how y'all
feeling tonight?

235
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,290
Y'all--oh, I'm out of time?"

236
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:41,951
"I danced for too long?

237
00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:44,693
Oh, my bad."

238
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:45,694
I like hip-hop.

239
00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:47,391
I like old-school hip-hop.

240
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,611
Like, they were playing
"Ain't No Fun" the other day,

241
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:51,700
and it just hit me, like,
hip-hop when I was growing up,

242
00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:54,485
I feel like, was way more vulgar
than it is today.

243
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:55,704
There's a part in that song

244
00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:57,488
where Snoop Dogg, he goes...

245
00:13:57,532 --> 00:13:59,882
♪ Guess who's back
in the motherfuckin' house ♪

246
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:03,146
♪ With a fat dick
for your motherfucking mouth ♪

247
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:14,331
It's just so unnecessary,
you know?

248
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:22,600
Like, the song works
without that.

249
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:26,126
But Snoop's like,
"Nah, it stays."

250
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:31,392
I feel like an old man when
it comes to hip-hop nowadays.

251
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:34,264
I'm like, "You kids
with your Kendrick Lamars,

252
00:14:34,308 --> 00:14:37,137
"trying to bring about
social change.

253
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:40,749
"Back in my day, we rapped
about jizzing on faces.

254
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:48,235
"That's the rap music I know.

255
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:51,978
"We rapped about
gargling ball sacks.

256
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:55,764
"It was a simpler time
in the '90s.

257
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,201
"I would hop on my friend's pegs
and go to Circuit City

258
00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:00,508
"to get to my music.

259
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:06,427
"And if he didn't have pegs,

260
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:09,647
"I'd have to balance
on two tiny screws.

261
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:16,959
"And if he went over a puddle,
I would gash my calf,

262
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:19,657
lay down
in the Safeway parking lot."

263
00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,620
I grew up on Death Row Records.

264
00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:26,621
[cheering]

265
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,057
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

266
00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:31,887
Like, anything they put out,
I would buy.

267
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,628
What I love about Death Row is,

268
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:36,413
they would just have random
women sing the hook, right?

269
00:15:36,457 --> 00:15:38,067
Like, nowadays, it'll always be
"featuring Beyonce"

270
00:15:38,111 --> 00:15:39,982
or "featuring Rihanna."

271
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:42,245
They would just have
random women.

272
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:44,204
Like, nobody knows the chick
who goes...

273
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:49,165
♪ Doggy Doggy Doggy Dahhh

274
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:52,603
♪ Doggy Daaahg

275
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,391
Nobody knows
who the fuck that is.

276
00:15:57,434 --> 00:16:00,611
She's just out there.

277
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:05,051
She's just mopping the floor
at Arby's.

278
00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:08,489
"You know
I'm the 'Doggy Dogg' girl?

279
00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:10,491
From the '90s."

280
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:15,191
You forget too, though.

281
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:16,758
Like, remember skits?

282
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:19,021
Skits used to be such a big part
of the rap album.

283
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,980
And a lot of the skits
were just sound effects

284
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:23,765
of them having sex with women.

285
00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:25,506
Like, on Dr. Dre's
"The Chronic,"

286
00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:27,856
there's an entire track
where all you hear is...

287
00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:30,337
[squelching]

288
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:31,425
"Yeah, you like that?"

289
00:16:31,468 --> 00:16:32,904
[squelching]

290
00:16:32,948 --> 00:16:34,471
"Yeah, the doctor's in."

291
00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:36,343
[squelching]

292
00:16:36,386 --> 00:16:39,650
How are they getting that audio?

293
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,087
Is there a boom guy
in the bedroom?

294
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:42,523
Like...

295
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:43,872
"Getting some great stuff, Dre.

296
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:47,136
"Just keep pounding away.

297
00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:51,227
You're gonna like
what you hear."

298
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,795
Also, how insecure
do you have to be, as a rapper,

299
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:56,450
to put that on your album?

300
00:16:56,493 --> 00:16:58,800
Like, "Yo, you don't think
I'm fucking?

301
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,328
Track eight."

302
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:10,855
It's like,
you don't need to do that.

303
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:12,335
You're Dr. Dre.

304
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:14,685
Everyone assumes
you're having a ton of sex.

305
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:16,600
Like, rock stars
have been around for ages.

306
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:18,167
They don't do that.

307
00:17:18,211 --> 00:17:20,256
You'll never listen
to a Beatles album

308
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,823
and after "Twist and Shout,"
you just hear,

309
00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:23,346
"Hey, I'm Paul McCartney,

310
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:25,087
and I'm getting my dick sucked
right now."

311
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:28,047
[slurping]

312
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:32,529
"It feels wonderful!"

313
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:35,532
[slurping]

314
00:17:35,576 --> 00:17:38,622
"Hey, Ringo,
you got to get in on this.

315
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:40,450
This girl's slobbering
all our knobs."

316
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,886
[slurping]

317
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:47,892
I saw "Straight Outta Compton,"
the NWA movie.

318
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:49,111
You guys see that?

319
00:17:49,155 --> 00:17:51,679
Yeah, it's a great movie.

320
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:54,551
You kind of forget
that it's a period piece,

321
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:56,336
because it takes place
in the mid-'90s.

322
00:17:56,379 --> 00:17:57,467
It feels very current, though.

323
00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:58,903
It feels very today.

324
00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:00,601
But there's one part
in the movie

325
00:18:00,644 --> 00:18:02,603
where you're reminded
that it's the mid-'90s.

326
00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:04,126
And it's when Eazy-E
is in the hospital

327
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,520
and the doctor tells him
he has HIV,

328
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:08,870
because he looks up
at the doctor and he goes,

329
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:11,090
"But I ain't no faggot!"

330
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:17,226
And nobody corrects him.

331
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:24,364
Nobody's like,
"Eazy, that's a term

332
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:30,326
you can't really use anymore."

333
00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:31,806
Even the doctor was like,

334
00:18:31,849 --> 00:18:34,548
"Faggot or not,
I'm afraid you have HIV."

335
00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:43,383
"Sorry, Eazy."

336
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:45,515
I saw it in the movie theaters.

337
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,430
I like whenever
I'm at a movie theater

338
00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:49,084
and somebody has to cut across.

339
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,781
What I'll do is, like,
I'll fake tuck in.

340
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:51,869
I'll just do my upper half.

341
00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:55,438
"Yeah, you got enough room?

342
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:56,744
"Yeah, you should have
enough room now.

343
00:18:56,787 --> 00:18:57,701
"You good?

344
00:18:57,745 --> 00:19:00,008
"Yeah, it's all you, bro.

345
00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:01,966
Yeah, not a problem at all."

346
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:07,407
Like, I pick up
on movie clichés,

347
00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:08,669
just as a comedian.

348
00:19:08,712 --> 00:19:10,192
Those are, like,
my favorite things.

349
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,846
These are some
of my favorite movie clichés.

350
00:19:11,889 --> 00:19:13,195
There's always that scene
in a movie

351
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,588
where a girl and a guy,

352
00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:15,937
they get back
to one of their places,

353
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,591
and they're making out like...

354
00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:20,071
like, ripping each other's
clothes off so fast.

355
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:22,248
Like, what's the rush?

356
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:24,075
The only time
I've ever gotten home

357
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:29,777
and taken my pants off that fast
is to take an emergency shit.

358
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,257
"Oh, fuck, oh, shit.

359
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:32,606
"Oh, fuck!

360
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:33,824
"Oh!

361
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:36,914
"Oh, oh...

362
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,655
"Oh-ho-ho, god.

363
00:19:38,699 --> 00:19:41,615
Oh...oh.."

364
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,010
There's, like, a split second
before it becomes

365
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,708
a story only you know about.

366
00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:49,884
"Oh!

367
00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:51,712
"Oh-ho-ho.

368
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:54,584
"Oh...

369
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:58,675
Too close."

370
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:00,329
Usually it's your own fault too.

371
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:03,376
You'll have, like,
five cups of coffee

372
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:06,161
and then hit the freeway
during rush hour.

373
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,249
You're like...
[gurgling]

374
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:08,772
"Ah!

375
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:10,818
"Dah, move!

376
00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:12,733
"Go!

377
00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:13,951
"Not like this.

378
00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:19,609
Ugh...ugh!"

379
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:21,524
You start forming
a contingency plan

380
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:23,787
in the event
you do shit your pants.

381
00:20:23,831 --> 00:20:26,268
"Okay, I need somewhere
with a secluded area.

382
00:20:26,312 --> 00:20:31,621
Is there a marina nearby where
I could Dexter these pants?"

383
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:33,536
Just in a speedboat
with no pants on.

384
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:37,845
[revving and splashing noises]

385
00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:39,803
Tie your khakis
to a cinder block.

386
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:42,153
"Good-bye, my dark passenger."

387
00:20:42,197 --> 00:20:43,807
[splashing noise]

388
00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:53,426
Another scene I like is when,
like, they're making love in bed

389
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:54,818
and the guy's on top like...

390
00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:57,299
[soft moaning]

391
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,735
And then his phone rings like...

392
00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:00,911
[trilling]

393
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:02,391
"Where were we?"

394
00:21:02,435 --> 00:21:04,567
[smooching]

395
00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:06,700
[trilling]

396
00:21:06,743 --> 00:21:09,093
"I got to take this."

397
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:11,531
That would never happen
in real life.

398
00:21:11,574 --> 00:21:15,622
Once a guy starts,
nothing can derail him.

399
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,188
There could be an earthquake.

400
00:21:17,232 --> 00:21:18,407
Like, "Shouldn't we get
under a doorframe?"

401
00:21:18,451 --> 00:21:19,408
"Buh!

402
00:21:19,452 --> 00:21:21,410
"If we die, we die.

403
00:21:21,454 --> 00:21:23,804
[grunts]

404
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:27,590
Sometimes my house shakes."

405
00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:28,678
"Your house shakes?"

406
00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:31,464
"Yeah, I'm by railroad tracks."

407
00:21:31,507 --> 00:21:32,769
"Is that a gas leak?"

408
00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:35,555
"No, I farted.
Stay where you are.

409
00:21:35,598 --> 00:21:37,383
Don't move."

410
00:21:41,996 --> 00:21:45,173
Also, nobody talks about
protection in the movies.

411
00:21:45,216 --> 00:21:48,132
Is everyone just
straight-up raw-dogging?

412
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:49,177
They're just like...

413
00:21:49,220 --> 00:21:51,614
[grunts]

414
00:21:51,658 --> 00:21:54,661
I guess it's not
as good a movie if she's like,

415
00:21:54,704 --> 00:21:55,836
"Hey, do you have a condom?"

416
00:21:55,879 --> 00:21:58,708
And he's like, "Uh, uh, yeah.

417
00:21:58,752 --> 00:22:00,928
"Ugh...

418
00:22:00,971 --> 00:22:03,800
"Buh...

419
00:22:03,844 --> 00:22:07,761
"Ah, fuck, I can never tell...

420
00:22:07,804 --> 00:22:10,372
"Ah, I'm losing my boner, fuck!
Aah-ooh.

421
00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:11,852
"I guess we don't fuck
in this movie.

422
00:22:11,895 --> 00:22:13,810
Maybe in the sequel."

423
00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:19,381
Isn't it crazy
how many sperm cells there are,

424
00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:22,166
and there's just one egg?

425
00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:25,082
That's high-stakes drama,
right there.

426
00:22:25,126 --> 00:22:27,389
That should be a reality show.

427
00:22:27,433 --> 00:22:30,218
"Millions of sperm, one egg.

428
00:22:30,261 --> 00:22:34,048
"Who will be the baby?

429
00:22:34,091 --> 00:22:35,528
"Last week,
we left off with Chad

430
00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:41,055
"swimming around in a circle.

431
00:22:41,098 --> 00:22:44,537
Will he get out of this pinch?"

432
00:22:44,580 --> 00:22:47,888
They'd have cool profile intros
on all the sperm cells.

433
00:22:47,931 --> 00:22:49,237
"What's up, my name's Trevor.

434
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,196
"I'm from the left nut sack.

435
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,419
And I'm gonna
fertilize the egg."

436
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:58,812
"Hello, my name is Christopher,

437
00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:01,771
"and I'm not here
to make friends.

438
00:23:03,556 --> 00:23:06,036
I'm gonna fertilize the egg."

439
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,603
Whenever they get kicked off,

440
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:10,214
they have to do that
into-camera confessional.

441
00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:13,435
He's like, "You know, obviously,

442
00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:18,309
"you know, I didn't want
to end up on the bed sheet.

443
00:23:18,353 --> 00:23:21,095
"Oh, fuck.

444
00:23:21,138 --> 00:23:23,358
Turn the cameras off, fuck."

445
00:23:28,058 --> 00:23:31,975
Somebody told me I look like
their Uber driver the other day.

446
00:23:35,152 --> 00:23:37,981
Like, why would you
tell somebody that?

447
00:23:38,025 --> 00:23:40,506
That's something
you keep inside your brain.

448
00:23:40,549 --> 00:23:45,424
What compels someone to be like,
"No, he has to know"?

449
00:23:52,648 --> 00:23:54,520
Everybody takes Uber
and Lyft nowadays.

450
00:23:54,563 --> 00:23:56,478
I feel sorry for cab drivers.

451
00:23:56,522 --> 00:23:58,306
But they're trying
to trick people, like,

452
00:23:58,349 --> 00:24:00,395
"No, this Uber."

453
00:24:06,227 --> 00:24:07,576
I'm like,
"Why is your car yellow?"

454
00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:09,622
"Just fucking
don't worry about it.

455
00:24:09,665 --> 00:24:12,581
Get in."

456
00:24:12,625 --> 00:24:14,148
Everybody takes Uber and Lyft

457
00:24:14,191 --> 00:24:16,019
because it's slightly cheaper
than a cab.

458
00:24:16,063 --> 00:24:17,368
But what you save in money,

459
00:24:17,412 --> 00:24:21,764
you pay for in conversation.

460
00:24:21,808 --> 00:24:23,766
You'll be halfway
through your trip and be like,

461
00:24:23,810 --> 00:24:25,768
"You know,
I guess I never really did

462
00:24:25,812 --> 00:24:28,728
get over my parents' divorce."

463
00:24:31,034 --> 00:24:32,471
I don't understand.

464
00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:34,081
People will talk
to their Lyft drivers all day,

465
00:24:34,124 --> 00:24:35,299
but if their cab drivers
were like,

466
00:24:35,343 --> 00:24:36,953
"What do you do for work?"

467
00:24:36,997 --> 00:24:41,131
they'd be like, "Enough
with the chit-chat, Ahmed!

468
00:24:41,175 --> 00:24:44,091
I don't pay you to talk."

469
00:24:44,134 --> 00:24:46,485
Did you ever think that one day
your cab drivers

470
00:24:46,528 --> 00:24:49,052
would just be random people
with free time on their hands?

471
00:24:49,096 --> 00:24:50,880
Never.

472
00:24:50,924 --> 00:24:52,665
How do you not know that one day
your house won't be on fire

473
00:24:52,708 --> 00:24:55,015
and some 21-year-old kid with
a smartphone will show up like,

474
00:24:55,058 --> 00:24:58,975
"Hey, what's up,
I'm your firefighter.

475
00:24:59,019 --> 00:25:02,588
"I was the closest one
to the blaze.

476
00:25:02,631 --> 00:25:07,462
"Don't worry, I brought
a Super Soaker, stand back.

477
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:12,032
Oh, the pressure's building up.
It's a good sign."

478
00:25:12,075 --> 00:25:14,077
[hissing]

479
00:25:14,121 --> 00:25:19,822
"Fuck, the fire's a lot bigger
than I thought it would be."

480
00:25:19,866 --> 00:25:21,737
The problem with Uber and Lyft

481
00:25:21,781 --> 00:25:24,914
is that it's made getting into
random cars so commonplace.

482
00:25:24,958 --> 00:25:26,089
You'll get into a truck.

483
00:25:26,133 --> 00:25:27,526
You'll get into an SUV.

484
00:25:27,569 --> 00:25:28,701
You'll get into a Smart car.

485
00:25:28,744 --> 00:25:30,267
Like, I could take
my car tonight,

486
00:25:30,311 --> 00:25:31,921
just go to a bar at 2:00 a.m.,

487
00:25:31,965 --> 00:25:34,271
be like,
"Hey, somebody get an Uber?"

488
00:25:34,315 --> 00:25:36,317
Some drunk guy will be like,
"Catch you guys later.

489
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,624
"It's here.

490
00:25:38,667 --> 00:25:39,668
"Hey, what's up, man?

491
00:25:39,712 --> 00:25:44,151
Take me."

492
00:25:44,194 --> 00:25:45,587
And I could just drive
to the woods

493
00:25:45,631 --> 00:25:47,720
and murder this guy.

494
00:25:47,763 --> 00:25:50,200
He would just be
on his phone the whole time.

495
00:26:05,825 --> 00:26:07,304
"Wait, this isn't
West Hollywood.

496
00:26:07,348 --> 00:26:08,610
"Agh!

497
00:26:08,654 --> 00:26:10,220
Agh-agh!"

498
00:26:10,264 --> 00:26:11,874
[hissing]

499
00:26:17,837 --> 00:26:19,665
So, you know, I'm in L.A.

500
00:26:19,708 --> 00:26:21,231
I do stand-up.
That's my main thing.

501
00:26:21,275 --> 00:26:23,059
But I'll audition for stuff
as well.

502
00:26:23,103 --> 00:26:26,193
And it's not going very well.

503
00:26:26,236 --> 00:26:28,456
I'm getting a lot
of one-and-dones.

504
00:26:28,499 --> 00:26:29,631
They'll be like,
"That was great.

505
00:26:29,675 --> 00:26:31,633
Thanks for coming in."

506
00:26:31,677 --> 00:26:32,634
I'm like, "Really?

507
00:26:32,678 --> 00:26:33,635
It didn't feel great."

508
00:26:33,679 --> 00:26:34,854
"No, it was really good."

509
00:26:34,897 --> 00:26:36,203
Like, their face
gets more contorted

510
00:26:36,246 --> 00:26:37,204
the more they're lying to you.

511
00:26:37,247 --> 00:26:38,901
"No, it was so good.

512
00:26:38,945 --> 00:26:41,991
"You crushed it, thank you!

513
00:26:42,035 --> 00:26:42,992
"So please leave.

514
00:26:43,036 --> 00:26:43,993
"My face hurts.

515
00:26:44,037 --> 00:26:45,604
I can't keep this up."

516
00:26:45,647 --> 00:26:48,563
[grunting, screaming]

517
00:26:53,524 --> 00:26:55,265
I want to talk
about one audition I had

518
00:26:55,309 --> 00:26:57,703
for the Disney Channel.

519
00:26:57,746 --> 00:27:00,619
So I went out
for the role of Q-Pop,

520
00:27:00,662 --> 00:27:03,056
who was a hip-hop
dance instructor.

521
00:27:03,099 --> 00:27:04,753
So there was two parts
of the audition.

522
00:27:04,797 --> 00:27:06,494
The first part was
like a regular audition.

523
00:27:06,537 --> 00:27:08,148
They had lines and scenes.

524
00:27:08,191 --> 00:27:09,715
And then the second part,
they wanted you to dance,

525
00:27:09,758 --> 00:27:12,065
because it's a hip-hop
dance instructor.

526
00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:14,589
So I finished
the first part of the audition,

527
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,026
and the guy looks up at me,
and he goes,

528
00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:19,202
"Now dance for us."

529
00:27:22,553 --> 00:27:26,035
Like a Roman emperor.

530
00:27:26,079 --> 00:27:27,863
The only way it would
have been more belittling

531
00:27:27,907 --> 00:27:30,692
is if he bit into a peach.

532
00:27:30,736 --> 00:27:33,260
"Dance for us."

533
00:27:35,610 --> 00:27:39,179
[moaning]

534
00:27:39,222 --> 00:27:40,223
"The juices."

535
00:27:40,267 --> 00:27:42,835
[moaning]

536
00:27:42,878 --> 00:27:45,359
"Bring me another peach.

537
00:27:45,402 --> 00:27:47,317
I've hit the pit."

538
00:27:53,236 --> 00:27:57,937
And they didn't have any music
in the audition.

539
00:27:57,980 --> 00:27:59,634
No boom box.

540
00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:03,290
They just wanted to make it
as sad as possible.

541
00:28:03,333 --> 00:28:06,510
So I'm just dancing...

542
00:28:06,554 --> 00:28:09,862
in utter silence.

543
00:28:09,905 --> 00:28:11,211
All you could literally hear

544
00:28:11,254 --> 00:28:13,866
was just the rustling
of my clothes.

545
00:28:22,788 --> 00:28:24,006
And some of you
don't know this about me,

546
00:28:24,050 --> 00:28:25,965
but I used to be
an aerospace engineer.

547
00:28:26,008 --> 00:28:27,836
I worked at Boeing
for about 3 1/2 years

548
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,709
before I quit
to do stand-up full-time.

549
00:28:30,752 --> 00:28:32,275
You ever been outside your body,

550
00:28:32,319 --> 00:28:37,324
observing a situation
in a moment in your life?

551
00:28:37,367 --> 00:28:39,326
There was a point
during the audition

552
00:28:39,369 --> 00:28:41,154
where I was like,

553
00:28:41,197 --> 00:28:43,852
"You used to build airplanes."

554
00:28:57,692 --> 00:29:03,089
"What the fuck
is wrong with you?"

555
00:29:03,132 --> 00:29:06,222
And then I just body-rolled
out of the audition.

556
00:29:06,266 --> 00:29:09,182
[laughter and applause]

557
00:29:12,663 --> 00:29:13,752
Thank you.

558
00:29:17,581 --> 00:29:19,279
Little bit about me.

559
00:29:19,322 --> 00:29:21,847
Both my parents
are from Afghanistan.

560
00:29:21,890 --> 00:29:23,979
[cheering]

561
00:29:24,023 --> 00:29:27,156
That never gets that response
when I do the road.

562
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,769
You could hear a pin drop
normally when I say that.

563
00:29:30,812 --> 00:29:32,248
White people don't know this,

564
00:29:32,292 --> 00:29:35,338
but I'm like the Tom Cruise
of Afghanistan.

565
00:29:35,382 --> 00:29:38,167
No, I'm just kidding.

566
00:29:38,211 --> 00:29:39,603
There's an Afghan version
of "Top Gun."

567
00:29:39,647 --> 00:29:40,735
I was the star.

568
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:41,867
I mean, it's not a big deal.

569
00:29:41,910 --> 00:29:45,261
No, I'm just kidding.

570
00:29:45,305 --> 00:29:46,785
Yeah, parents are
from Afghanistan.

571
00:29:46,828 --> 00:29:48,264
It's the worst time
to be a brown person

572
00:29:48,308 --> 00:29:50,179
in America right now.

573
00:29:50,223 --> 00:29:52,573
It's very strange being
the most feared ethnic group

574
00:29:52,616 --> 00:29:54,488
in the country.

575
00:29:54,531 --> 00:29:57,708
It's like, move over,
black people.

576
00:30:06,892 --> 00:30:12,332
There's a new kid in town.

577
00:30:12,375 --> 00:30:17,685
Thanks for keeping
the seat warm.

578
00:30:17,728 --> 00:30:18,817
No, I take that back.

579
00:30:18,860 --> 00:30:20,819
One on one, you'd probably be

580
00:30:20,862 --> 00:30:24,474
more afraid of a black guy
than you would me.

581
00:30:24,518 --> 00:30:26,912
Like, if it was a dark alley
in the middle of the night,

582
00:30:26,955 --> 00:30:29,392
you'd be more afraid of him
than me.

583
00:30:29,436 --> 00:30:31,960
But on public transportation...

584
00:30:37,618 --> 00:30:40,142
I feel like I win that one,

585
00:30:40,186 --> 00:30:42,014
especially if I was using
a Nokia cell phone

586
00:30:42,057 --> 00:30:44,146
from the early '90s.

587
00:30:49,935 --> 00:30:51,153
"I'm playing Snake, bro.

588
00:30:51,197 --> 00:30:53,025
Don't worry about it."

589
00:30:57,072 --> 00:31:00,946
Nobody with an iPhone
blows themselves up, right?

590
00:31:00,989 --> 00:31:04,775
You're like, this guy's on
a two-year contract, at least.

591
00:31:07,256 --> 00:31:09,215
We're safe.

592
00:31:09,258 --> 00:31:10,738
But if it's a shitty flip phone,
you're like,

593
00:31:10,781 --> 00:31:13,480
"This guy is pay-as-you-go.

594
00:31:13,523 --> 00:31:15,525
"He's got nothing to lose.

595
00:31:15,569 --> 00:31:16,875
"Boost Mobile?

596
00:31:16,918 --> 00:31:18,702
Let's get the fuck
out of here!"

597
00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:28,495
Very over-protective parents.

598
00:31:28,538 --> 00:31:30,584
You know, I have to fly around
a lot doing stand-up.

599
00:31:30,627 --> 00:31:32,412
And whenever my mom
finds out about a gig,

600
00:31:32,455 --> 00:31:34,066
she'll call me up
the night before.

601
00:31:34,109 --> 00:31:36,720
She'll be like,
"I want your flight number.

602
00:31:36,764 --> 00:31:39,375
"I want the name of the hotel
you're staying at.

603
00:31:39,419 --> 00:31:41,943
I want the phone number
of the comedy booker."

604
00:31:41,987 --> 00:31:44,772
I'm like, "What are you gonna do
with this info?

605
00:31:44,815 --> 00:31:46,034
"You live all the way
in Seattle.

606
00:31:46,078 --> 00:31:47,862
Like, if I die, I die."

607
00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:54,173
My mom thinks she's Liam Neeson
from "Taken."

608
00:31:54,216 --> 00:31:55,957
Like, if something
were to happen to me,

609
00:31:56,001 --> 00:31:58,090
she would just call
the comedy booker up like,

610
00:31:58,133 --> 00:32:01,789
"I have a very special
set of skills."

611
00:32:01,832 --> 00:32:03,182
He's like,
"What are you gonna do?

612
00:32:03,225 --> 00:32:07,142
You're just a mom."

613
00:32:07,186 --> 00:32:08,230
"Look behind you."

614
00:32:08,274 --> 00:32:09,623
"What?"

615
00:32:09,666 --> 00:32:11,407
"No one fucks with my son."

616
00:32:11,451 --> 00:32:13,235
I'm like, "Mom, thank god
I gave you his contact info.

617
00:32:13,279 --> 00:32:16,717
"Untie me.

618
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:20,373
Sorry, boys, but I tell
my mom everything."

619
00:32:20,416 --> 00:32:23,332
[laughter and applause]

620
00:32:40,175 --> 00:32:42,830
Growing up, I was never allowed
to partake in sleepovers,

621
00:32:42,873 --> 00:32:45,050
which is a very--

622
00:32:45,093 --> 00:32:46,138
See?

623
00:32:46,181 --> 00:32:47,748
You know what I'm talking about.

624
00:32:47,791 --> 00:32:48,967
White people are like, "Why?

625
00:32:49,010 --> 00:32:51,012
That makes no sense."

626
00:32:51,056 --> 00:32:52,709
It's a very American thing
to do.

627
00:32:52,753 --> 00:32:54,276
It's not a big deal.

628
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:56,278
But I wasn't allowed to,
and the reason being--

629
00:32:56,322 --> 00:32:57,888
this is a very
Middle Eastern fear--

630
00:32:57,932 --> 00:33:02,763
is, my parents thought
that I would get molested.

631
00:33:02,806 --> 00:33:06,027
These are my best friends that
I've known for years and years.

632
00:33:06,071 --> 00:33:09,335
I was like, "Dad, I'm not
gonna get molested."

633
00:33:09,378 --> 00:33:12,642
And my dad is like,
"Don't sell yourself short."

634
00:33:19,258 --> 00:33:22,913
"You're a very
attractive child."

635
00:33:22,957 --> 00:33:24,828
And I was like,
"You're just saying that

636
00:33:24,872 --> 00:33:31,574
"'cause you're my dad.

637
00:33:31,618 --> 00:33:33,707
You don't really mean it."

638
00:33:33,750 --> 00:33:35,317
And he's like,
"No, pedophiles would kill

639
00:33:35,361 --> 00:33:39,234
"to get in those
OshKosh B'Goshes.

640
00:33:39,278 --> 00:33:41,889
I mean, if I wasn't your dad,
I mean..."

641
00:33:41,932 --> 00:33:44,457
No, I'm just kidding, come on.

642
00:33:48,722 --> 00:33:51,203
Growing up, my dad, he would
always mistake video games

643
00:33:51,246 --> 00:33:53,422
for real things
that were happening on TV.

644
00:33:53,466 --> 00:33:55,033
All the time.

645
00:33:55,076 --> 00:33:57,296
Like, me and my brother
would be playing "NBA Jam,"

646
00:33:57,339 --> 00:33:59,124
and my dad would walk
into the room and be like,

647
00:33:59,167 --> 00:34:02,170
"Oh, the Lakers
are playing the Celtics."

648
00:34:05,913 --> 00:34:07,610
Then one of us would dunk
from half court,

649
00:34:07,654 --> 00:34:10,265
and he'd be like, "Wow!

650
00:34:10,309 --> 00:34:14,313
"Wow!

651
00:34:14,356 --> 00:34:16,097
"That guy just did
17 front flips

652
00:34:16,141 --> 00:34:19,187
"before slam dunking.

653
00:34:19,231 --> 00:34:21,102
"That guy's good.

654
00:34:21,146 --> 00:34:25,193
"What, the net is on fire
from a jump shot?

655
00:34:25,237 --> 00:34:28,414
"This is the greatest game
I've ever seen in my life.

656
00:34:28,457 --> 00:34:30,068
"What is this 'boom shakalaka'

657
00:34:30,111 --> 00:34:32,896
"the reporter
keeps on talking about?

658
00:34:32,940 --> 00:34:35,856
Why is Will Smith
on the Lakers?"

659
00:34:38,989 --> 00:34:40,774
It must have been
super awkward for him

660
00:34:40,817 --> 00:34:44,343
the following day at work
by the water cooler.

661
00:34:44,386 --> 00:34:48,956
He's like, "You guys see
that game last night?

662
00:34:48,999 --> 00:34:54,135
"It had to be on SportsCenter,
that 17-front-flip dunk?

663
00:34:54,179 --> 00:34:56,355
"Then this Italian guy
got in the go-kart

664
00:34:56,398 --> 00:34:59,662
"and was driving around town.

665
00:34:59,706 --> 00:35:02,143
"There's banana peels
everywhere.

666
00:35:02,187 --> 00:35:05,103
"There's a big
turtle shell epidemic.

667
00:35:05,146 --> 00:35:07,235
Be careful out there."

668
00:35:09,498 --> 00:35:10,456
I'm curious.

669
00:35:10,499 --> 00:35:11,457
Who out here is dating?

670
00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:12,458
Anybody dating?

671
00:35:12,501 --> 00:35:13,459
Clap if you're dating.

672
00:35:13,502 --> 00:35:14,460
[applause]

673
00:35:14,503 --> 00:35:17,332
Yeah.

674
00:35:17,376 --> 00:35:19,726
I've realized dating
is essentially guys

675
00:35:19,769 --> 00:35:22,903
just pretending to have way more
money than they really do.

676
00:35:22,946 --> 00:35:24,644
That's all it is.

677
00:35:24,687 --> 00:35:26,646
Like, we'll take you to some
fancy French restaurant,

678
00:35:26,689 --> 00:35:28,604
then we'll take you
to go see a play.

679
00:35:28,648 --> 00:35:30,345
Even after all of that,
a lot of times,

680
00:35:30,389 --> 00:35:32,434
a girl still won't like you,

681
00:35:32,478 --> 00:35:34,480
which stings, as a man,

682
00:35:34,523 --> 00:35:35,872
because that means
she's not even

683
00:35:35,916 --> 00:35:38,571
into the rich version of you.

684
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:46,448
Women like tall guys.

685
00:35:46,492 --> 00:35:47,841
I always hear that.

686
00:35:47,884 --> 00:35:50,539
They'll be like,
"I need a tall man.

687
00:35:50,583 --> 00:35:53,542
I like to feel safe."

688
00:35:53,586 --> 00:35:58,156
It's 2016, you don't live
in the fucking jungle.

689
00:35:58,199 --> 00:35:59,592
Such a bullshit excuse.

690
00:35:59,635 --> 00:36:02,116
Just say you like tall guys,
you know?

691
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,727
What if titties
make me feel safe?

692
00:36:12,605 --> 00:36:14,694
Also, ladies, you can't
claim to be taller than me

693
00:36:14,737 --> 00:36:16,174
if you can't even walk
in the shoes

694
00:36:16,217 --> 00:36:17,740
that make you taller than me.

695
00:36:17,784 --> 00:36:19,873
They'll be like,
"I don't date short guys.

696
00:36:19,916 --> 00:36:22,092
"If you'll excuse me--oh, fuck.

697
00:36:22,136 --> 00:36:23,616
"Oh, shit.

698
00:36:23,659 --> 00:36:25,357
"Oh, fuck--oh!

699
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:30,666
I'm still taller--oh!"

700
00:36:30,710 --> 00:36:32,059
That's my favorite thing
in the world,

701
00:36:32,102 --> 00:36:33,321
just watching women
in high heels

702
00:36:33,365 --> 00:36:36,455
walk down steep hills,

703
00:36:36,498 --> 00:36:38,587
'cause it's like a baby calf
being born.

704
00:36:43,418 --> 00:36:45,333
Why are your hands
always in front of you too?

705
00:36:45,377 --> 00:36:47,596
Like, you're gonna Tony Stark
your way out of it?

706
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,556
[whooshing]

707
00:36:55,604 --> 00:36:57,650
"J.A.R.V.I.S., set coordinates
for the club."

708
00:36:57,693 --> 00:37:00,522
[whooshing]

709
00:37:07,355 --> 00:37:08,574
Women like romantic comedies.

710
00:37:08,617 --> 00:37:09,749
I always hear that too.

711
00:37:09,792 --> 00:37:11,272
You'll watch them and be like,

712
00:37:11,316 --> 00:37:14,449
"How come guys don't act
like that in real life?"

713
00:37:14,493 --> 00:37:16,016
But you don't want that.

714
00:37:16,059 --> 00:37:17,539
You would be super turned off

715
00:37:17,583 --> 00:37:19,672
if guys acted like that
in real life.

716
00:37:19,715 --> 00:37:21,195
Like, if I walked up to you
and I was like,

717
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:25,852
"I can't sleep without you.

718
00:37:25,895 --> 00:37:28,637
"I can't eat.

719
00:37:28,681 --> 00:37:31,161
I need you in my life!"

720
00:37:36,689 --> 00:37:40,040
They'd be like, "What the fuck
is wrong with this guy?"

721
00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:44,218
[applause]

722
00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:46,307
"This guy is way too into me.

723
00:37:46,351 --> 00:37:49,049
It's too much pressure."

724
00:37:49,092 --> 00:37:51,704
The only time guys act like
they're in romantic comedies

725
00:37:51,747 --> 00:37:53,445
is when a bunch of us
are together

726
00:37:53,488 --> 00:37:55,229
and one of us
gets a text message

727
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:57,187
with the promise of sex.

728
00:37:57,231 --> 00:37:58,972
We'll be hanging out,
and just out of nowhere, like...

729
00:37:59,015 --> 00:38:00,452
[buzzing noise]

730
00:38:00,495 --> 00:38:02,105
"Yo, this chick says
she's at my place

731
00:38:02,149 --> 00:38:03,977
and wants to rip my pants off."

732
00:38:04,020 --> 00:38:06,632
And everyone's like,
"What are you doing?

733
00:38:06,675 --> 00:38:08,938
Go after her!"

734
00:38:14,901 --> 00:38:18,165
"Go to her.

735
00:38:18,208 --> 00:38:19,775
She's the one."

736
00:38:24,954 --> 00:38:27,261
I feel like, generally,
women are kind of skeptical,

737
00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,958
just always, like,
questioning things.

738
00:38:29,002 --> 00:38:31,352
Even guys you really like,
just always questioning things.

739
00:38:31,396 --> 00:38:32,788
You'll be on a date
with a girl,

740
00:38:32,832 --> 00:38:34,529
overlooking the city skyline,
and be like,

741
00:38:34,573 --> 00:38:37,140
"Hey, isn't this beautiful?"

742
00:38:37,184 --> 00:38:38,359
She'll be like,

743
00:38:38,403 --> 00:38:42,276
"Do you do this
with all the girls?"

744
00:38:43,408 --> 00:38:46,062
Just fucking enjoy the view.

745
00:38:46,106 --> 00:38:50,806
"Is that your move?

746
00:38:50,850 --> 00:38:55,507
You go on dates with girls
and try to have sex with them?"

747
00:38:55,550 --> 00:38:57,160
Yeah.

748
00:39:01,208 --> 00:39:03,384
That's my move.

749
00:39:03,428 --> 00:39:05,734
That's every guy's move.

750
00:39:08,911 --> 00:39:10,522
Guys don't question things.

751
00:39:10,565 --> 00:39:14,526
If a guy's getting a BJ
behind a Chipotle dumpster,

752
00:39:14,569 --> 00:39:17,790
he's not like,
"Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second.

753
00:39:17,833 --> 00:39:21,533
"Do you do this
with all the guys?

754
00:39:27,190 --> 00:39:31,281
"Is that your move?

755
00:39:31,325 --> 00:39:35,416
"You just give beejes
behind dumpsters?

756
00:39:35,460 --> 00:39:39,115
"I don't want to be another
notch on your belt, Becky.

757
00:39:39,159 --> 00:39:43,381
I thought I was a snowflake,
but I'm just like the rest."

758
00:39:46,993 --> 00:39:50,388
There could be a line,
and we wouldn't care.

759
00:39:50,431 --> 00:39:52,651
Like, "Hey, what's up?

760
00:39:52,694 --> 00:39:54,870
"Is this thing moving
fast or slow?

761
00:39:59,701 --> 00:40:01,355
Cool."

762
00:40:06,665 --> 00:40:08,318
I remember one time,
I went on a date,

763
00:40:08,362 --> 00:40:11,365
and at the end of the date,
I went in for the kiss,

764
00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:13,454
and then I got the pull-back.

765
00:40:13,498 --> 00:40:15,282
Nothing makes you feel
like the Elephant Man

766
00:40:15,325 --> 00:40:16,414
faster than the pull-back.

767
00:40:16,457 --> 00:40:19,112
Like, "Agh, don't look at me!

768
00:40:19,155 --> 00:40:21,114
[groaning]

769
00:40:21,157 --> 00:40:22,768
"Please love me!

770
00:40:22,811 --> 00:40:26,293
[groaning]

771
00:40:26,336 --> 00:40:29,731
"Am I worthy of love?

772
00:40:29,775 --> 00:40:30,732
"No?

773
00:40:30,776 --> 00:40:32,691
Okay, sorry."

774
00:40:37,173 --> 00:40:39,045
The one good thing
about getting the pull-back

775
00:40:39,088 --> 00:40:41,917
is, at least you know where
you stand in the relationship.

776
00:40:41,961 --> 00:40:43,745
You know, no one gets
the pull-back and they're like,

777
00:40:43,789 --> 00:40:46,618
"All right, so I'll see you
sometime soon?"

778
00:40:46,661 --> 00:40:49,316
No, you go,
"It was nice knowing you."

779
00:40:49,359 --> 00:40:53,233
[groaning]

780
00:40:53,276 --> 00:40:54,408
"Which way to the cave?

781
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:55,409
This way?"

782
00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:58,934
[groaning]

783
00:40:58,978 --> 00:41:00,109
Just Google Maps.

784
00:41:00,153 --> 00:41:03,069
[groaning]

785
00:41:10,555 --> 00:41:11,817
Word of advice, fellas,

786
00:41:11,860 --> 00:41:13,514
if you ever do
go in for the kiss,

787
00:41:13,558 --> 00:41:16,430
make sure you're at least
in front of her place,

788
00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:17,953
because one time,
I got the pull-back

789
00:41:17,997 --> 00:41:19,825
in a parking structure.

790
00:41:19,868 --> 00:41:25,700
And I'm like, I still got
to drive this chick home.

791
00:41:25,744 --> 00:41:29,356
This is the most awkward
car ride in my entire life.

792
00:41:29,399 --> 00:41:32,794
The turn signal
had never been louder.

793
00:41:32,838 --> 00:41:36,755
[clicking]

794
00:41:36,798 --> 00:41:39,192
[revving]

795
00:41:39,235 --> 00:41:41,499
[clicking]

796
00:41:41,542 --> 00:41:45,503
"A lot more turns
than I remember there being.

797
00:41:45,546 --> 00:41:50,464
It seems there's more turns
on the way back."

798
00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:52,597
When I went in for the kiss,
she was like,

799
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,816
"What are you doing?

800
00:41:54,860 --> 00:41:56,905
What are you--stop."

801
00:41:56,949 --> 00:41:58,559
I go, "What do you mean,
what am I doing?

802
00:41:58,603 --> 00:42:00,605
"This is the fifth time
we've hung out.

803
00:42:00,648 --> 00:42:04,043
Like, how do you not know
this might be on the way?"

804
00:42:04,086 --> 00:42:05,914
Like, I hate when girls
will play dumb

805
00:42:05,958 --> 00:42:08,874
or be oblivious to situations
they've put themselves in.

806
00:42:08,917 --> 00:42:10,484
Like, some girls will be
on Tinder and they'll write,

807
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:15,445
"If you're looking to hook up,
keep looking."

808
00:42:15,489 --> 00:42:19,798
Hey, you're on Tinder,
not eHarmony.

809
00:42:19,841 --> 00:42:21,408
That's like a girl
being behind a glory hole

810
00:42:21,451 --> 00:42:22,888
and being like,
"I hope random cocks

811
00:42:22,931 --> 00:42:29,329
"don't pop through this wall.

812
00:42:29,372 --> 00:42:32,550
"I hope that doesn't happen.

813
00:42:32,593 --> 00:42:34,247
"Why is it so hard
to find a good man

814
00:42:34,290 --> 00:42:36,597
behind this glory hole?"

815
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:43,125
A cock pops through
with an engagement ring on it.

816
00:42:43,169 --> 00:42:47,739
"Yes, random cock,
a thousand times yes!

817
00:42:47,782 --> 00:42:52,047
"Oh, it's the same girth
as my finger.

818
00:42:52,091 --> 00:42:53,962
It's kismet."

819
00:43:00,665 --> 00:43:02,492
I was driving the other day,

820
00:43:02,536 --> 00:43:04,016
and I was waiting for this guy

821
00:43:04,059 --> 00:43:06,322
to cross in front of my car,
you know.

822
00:43:06,366 --> 00:43:07,889
And then he shoots me
one of these.

823
00:43:07,933 --> 00:43:09,935
He goes...

824
00:43:13,634 --> 00:43:16,419
Like he's Magneto.

825
00:43:16,463 --> 00:43:18,204
Like I'm trying to run him over
but I can't.

826
00:43:18,247 --> 00:43:20,772
[revving noise]

827
00:43:20,815 --> 00:43:21,947
What the fuck?

828
00:43:21,990 --> 00:43:23,992
"Not today."

829
00:43:28,693 --> 00:43:31,565
You ever see somebody
cross the street comically slow,

830
00:43:31,609 --> 00:43:34,350
where you're like,
this cannot be a real person?

831
00:43:34,394 --> 00:43:36,483
How fucking slow
this person is walking.

832
00:43:36,526 --> 00:43:39,355
I had to wait
for this elderly man.

833
00:43:39,399 --> 00:43:40,661
Every step was a miracle.

834
00:43:40,705 --> 00:43:43,185
Like, "Oh!

835
00:43:43,229 --> 00:43:45,579
"I'm doing it!

836
00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:49,365
Feet, don't fail me now."

837
00:43:49,409 --> 00:43:52,499
He was walking so slow,
a black guy passed him.

838
00:43:59,724 --> 00:44:02,117
One time, I was waiting for
a black guy to cross the street,

839
00:44:02,161 --> 00:44:04,424
and he was just
walking in place.

840
00:44:28,361 --> 00:44:30,580
And then he took
one step forward...

841
00:44:30,624 --> 00:44:33,018
and then started moonwalking.

842
00:44:33,061 --> 00:44:35,411
I'm like, "You're fucking
going backwards!"

843
00:44:40,416 --> 00:44:42,375
Like I said, I always have
to fly around, doing shows.

844
00:44:42,418 --> 00:44:45,552
And you ever been on a flight
and you catch yourself

845
00:44:45,595 --> 00:44:48,555
watching somebody else's movie
for way too long?

846
00:44:48,598 --> 00:44:51,427
I'm watching "Frozen"
with no sound for 40 minutes.

847
00:44:55,301 --> 00:44:57,129
It's in front
of my own headrest,

848
00:44:57,172 --> 00:44:59,479
but I'm like,
"I like this version.

849
00:44:59,522 --> 00:45:03,788
I'm already
emotionally invested."

850
00:45:03,831 --> 00:45:06,747
I hate flying Southwest
the most,

851
00:45:06,791 --> 00:45:09,358
just because they're, like,
the funny airline.

852
00:45:09,402 --> 00:45:12,535
Everybody who works there thinks
they're a stand-up comedian,

853
00:45:12,579 --> 00:45:15,495
which is aggravating
as a stand-up comedian,

854
00:45:15,538 --> 00:45:18,150
how easy the crowd is
on a plane.

855
00:45:18,193 --> 00:45:20,195
It's very hard to do this
for a living,

856
00:45:20,239 --> 00:45:21,631
but on a Southwest flight,

857
00:45:21,675 --> 00:45:23,851
people just fucking
give it up for anything.

858
00:45:23,895 --> 00:45:25,679
They'll be like, "At this time,
we'll have you turn off

859
00:45:25,723 --> 00:45:28,638
all iPhones, BlackBerrys,
and...blueberries."

860
00:45:28,682 --> 00:45:29,639
And people are like...

861
00:45:29,683 --> 00:45:32,599
[laughing hysterically]

862
00:45:34,296 --> 00:45:35,733
"Is that a real phone model?

863
00:45:35,776 --> 00:45:37,299
[laughing hysterically]

864
00:45:37,343 --> 00:45:41,913
"That's a fruit.

865
00:45:41,956 --> 00:45:44,959
"Those guys are like fucking
Richard Pryor up there.

866
00:45:45,003 --> 00:45:48,354
"Why are you a flight attendant?

867
00:45:48,397 --> 00:45:50,617
Follow your dreams."

868
00:45:54,708 --> 00:45:57,493
I always see families traveling
together at the airport,

869
00:45:57,537 --> 00:45:59,408
and parents will have
their little kids

870
00:45:59,452 --> 00:46:03,064
pulling these tiny
Spider-Man suitcases

871
00:46:03,108 --> 00:46:05,110
that are, like, this big.

872
00:46:05,153 --> 00:46:07,808
Just pack for your kid.

873
00:46:07,852 --> 00:46:10,419
Why does a toddler
need his own suitcase?

874
00:46:10,463 --> 00:46:11,943
I just picture this little kid

875
00:46:11,986 --> 00:46:13,771
waking up in the morning
in his racecar bed, like,

876
00:46:13,814 --> 00:46:17,644
"Oh, no, I overslept
for my flight to LaGuardia.

877
00:46:17,687 --> 00:46:20,255
"Fuck.

878
00:46:20,299 --> 00:46:22,867
"Let's see,
I need my Ninja Turtles.

879
00:46:22,910 --> 00:46:24,390
"A scoop of ice cream.

880
00:46:24,433 --> 00:46:26,392
"It's a long flight.
I might get hungry.

881
00:46:26,435 --> 00:46:28,394
"Tell the shuttle
to wait for me!

882
00:46:28,437 --> 00:46:31,223
Tell the shuttle to wait!"

883
00:46:35,009 --> 00:46:36,968
He's just sitting in the shuttle
with a bag of Cheerios

884
00:46:37,011 --> 00:46:38,926
like, "That was close."

885
00:46:43,365 --> 00:46:45,628
"A little too close
for comfort."

886
00:46:49,894 --> 00:46:52,287
Isn't it crazy how much money
we spend on plane tickets,

887
00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:55,987
just to get treated like shit
every step of the way?

888
00:46:56,030 --> 00:46:56,988
I had to fly one time.

889
00:46:57,031 --> 00:46:57,989
The airport was dead.

890
00:46:58,032 --> 00:46:59,033
Nobody was there.

891
00:46:59,077 --> 00:47:01,166
And they had that maze thing.

892
00:47:01,209 --> 00:47:03,603
So I duck under.

893
00:47:03,646 --> 00:47:07,650
And this woman goes,
"Excuse me, sir...sir...

894
00:47:07,694 --> 00:47:09,087
you need to go around."

895
00:47:09,130 --> 00:47:11,263
And I'm like, "Nobody's here.

896
00:47:11,306 --> 00:47:13,395
Just let me do this."

897
00:47:13,439 --> 00:47:15,528
"You need to go around."

898
00:47:15,571 --> 00:47:17,791
So I'm like, fuckin'...

899
00:47:28,933 --> 00:47:29,890
"This?

900
00:47:29,934 --> 00:47:33,415
"This is what you wanted?

901
00:47:33,459 --> 00:47:36,201
"This is the battle
that you've chosen for today?

902
00:47:36,244 --> 00:47:40,335
"To watch a grown man
go through a fucking maze?

903
00:47:40,379 --> 00:47:42,120
"Ooh, a block of cheese.

904
00:47:42,163 --> 00:47:44,818
"Mm...mm...

905
00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:46,254
Mm..."

906
00:47:51,607 --> 00:47:53,696
You ever have them
swab your hands for bomb juice

907
00:47:53,740 --> 00:47:55,916
when you're in line?

908
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:58,571
Just be like,
"Not so fast, hands out.

909
00:47:58,614 --> 00:48:01,791
All right, we'll see
who the real you is."

910
00:48:01,835 --> 00:48:04,533
Have they ever caught anybody
with that machine?

911
00:48:04,577 --> 00:48:06,535
Has there ever been
a terrorist in line like,

912
00:48:06,579 --> 00:48:08,755
"Oh, no, I forgot
to wash my hands."

913
00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:15,501
Then you've got to get
into the body scanner, right?

914
00:48:15,544 --> 00:48:17,807
Where they could see your dick.

915
00:48:17,851 --> 00:48:19,679
They could totally
see your dick.

916
00:48:19,722 --> 00:48:21,028
There's just some guy
behind a monitor

917
00:48:21,072 --> 00:48:24,423
eating a bagel like,
"Sweet dick, bro.

918
00:48:26,947 --> 00:48:28,993
"Next!

919
00:48:29,036 --> 00:48:31,952
"Nice tits, bitch.

920
00:48:33,432 --> 00:48:35,608
"Next!

921
00:48:35,651 --> 00:48:37,566
God, I love my job."

922
00:48:43,833 --> 00:48:46,532
I don't want them to think
I have a tiny dick

923
00:48:46,575 --> 00:48:48,142
when I go through there.

924
00:48:48,186 --> 00:48:50,797
So what I do is, like,
I rev it up.

925
00:48:56,150 --> 00:48:59,153
Before I hop in.

926
00:48:59,197 --> 00:49:01,503
Just get it hot and ready
like a Little Caesar's pizza,

927
00:49:01,547 --> 00:49:06,682
you know?

928
00:49:06,726 --> 00:49:09,772
But sometimes I go too far.

929
00:49:09,816 --> 00:49:13,646
And then I'm just in there
with a raging boner.

930
00:49:13,689 --> 00:49:15,778
If that happens, though,
I turn to the guy and I go,

931
00:49:15,822 --> 00:49:18,607
"What can I say?

932
00:49:18,651 --> 00:49:20,653
I love to fly."

933
00:49:25,745 --> 00:49:28,574
"Get's me off."

934
00:49:28,617 --> 00:49:30,228
I remember one time I got
to the gate

935
00:49:30,271 --> 00:49:31,794
for one of my flights,

936
00:49:31,838 --> 00:49:34,493
and there was, like,
five Middle Eastern dudes

937
00:49:34,536 --> 00:49:35,798
in traditional garb, you know.

938
00:49:35,842 --> 00:49:38,801
They had, like, gowns,
turbans, beards.

939
00:49:38,845 --> 00:49:41,195
And all the white people
were freaking out.

940
00:49:41,239 --> 00:49:42,718
They're just, like,
sweating bullets,

941
00:49:42,762 --> 00:49:46,505
like, "Fuck, it's going down."

942
00:49:46,548 --> 00:49:48,333
And one of the guys,
he confided in me.

943
00:49:48,376 --> 00:49:50,770
He goes, "Hey, man, how come
you're not nervous about this?"

944
00:49:50,813 --> 00:49:52,859
And I was like, "Do you think
if they were terrorists,

945
00:49:52,902 --> 00:49:55,122
they'd be dressed up like that?"

946
00:49:55,166 --> 00:49:56,602
Like,
"Hey, we're going to blow up

947
00:49:56,645 --> 00:49:58,125
"the Southwest flight tomorrow.

948
00:49:58,169 --> 00:50:02,129
"So I should wear
my extra-big turban?

949
00:50:02,173 --> 00:50:05,350
"To fly under the radar?

950
00:50:05,393 --> 00:50:11,051
"Should I bring my bowling ball
with a wick coming out of it?

951
00:50:11,095 --> 00:50:12,835
Should I do that?"

952
00:50:16,970 --> 00:50:18,580
It's crazy.

953
00:50:18,624 --> 00:50:20,843
There's a lot of Islamophobia
going on nowadays.

954
00:50:20,887 --> 00:50:23,890
Like, there's this ammunitions
manufacturer in Idaho

955
00:50:23,933 --> 00:50:26,893
that's selling
pork-coated bullets

956
00:50:26,936 --> 00:50:29,243
so that if you shoot
and kill a Muslim person,

957
00:50:29,287 --> 00:50:32,855
it'll prevent them
from getting into paradise.

958
00:50:32,899 --> 00:50:34,205
How much do you fear Muslims

959
00:50:34,248 --> 00:50:36,946
when you're applying
werewolf rules?

960
00:50:40,689 --> 00:50:42,082
What do they think
is gonna happen

961
00:50:42,126 --> 00:50:43,562
if I get shot
with one of those bullets?

962
00:50:43,605 --> 00:50:44,563
I'm gonna be like...

963
00:50:44,606 --> 00:50:47,348
[hissing, groaning wildly]

964
00:50:47,392 --> 00:50:49,220
"Blagh, what's in these things?"

965
00:50:49,263 --> 00:50:51,135
"Pork, motherfucker!"

966
00:50:51,178 --> 00:50:52,136
"Blagh!

967
00:50:52,179 --> 00:50:53,572
My only weakness!"

968
00:50:53,615 --> 00:50:55,095
[groaning]

969
00:51:00,013 --> 00:51:03,016
Do you think God
is that technical too?

970
00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:04,670
I'm up at the Pearly Gates,
and he's like,

971
00:51:04,713 --> 00:51:07,020
"Look, it's a shame
you got murdered,

972
00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:10,458
"but there was pork
on those bullets.

973
00:51:10,502 --> 00:51:12,634
I'd love to let you in,
but rules are rules."

974
00:51:12,678 --> 00:51:13,635
Ka-kunk.

975
00:51:13,679 --> 00:51:18,597
"Aah!"

976
00:51:27,519 --> 00:51:30,130
It's crazy, like,
I'm not even that Muslim,

977
00:51:30,174 --> 00:51:33,351
you know, but I find myself
having to defend Islam a lot.

978
00:51:33,394 --> 00:51:35,570
I got into an argument
with a guy.

979
00:51:35,614 --> 00:51:38,007
I was like, "Not every Muslim
is a terrorist."

980
00:51:38,051 --> 00:51:44,144
And he was like,
"There's no white terrorists.

981
00:51:44,188 --> 00:51:46,668
Don't see any
white terrorists, bro."

982
00:51:46,712 --> 00:51:49,497
And I was like, "Yeah, but
you guys have mass shooters."

983
00:51:49,541 --> 00:51:51,064
And he was like, "So do you."

984
00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:53,849
I go, "Yeah, but we
justgot into it."

985
00:52:01,988 --> 00:52:03,511
Although, I will say,
the closest thing

986
00:52:03,555 --> 00:52:06,471
white people have to a terrorist
is Timothy McVeigh,

987
00:52:06,514 --> 00:52:08,255
the Oklahoma City bomber.

988
00:52:08,299 --> 00:52:13,086
He's like the Eminem
of terrorism.

989
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:14,740
He was so dope,
even Middle Eastern people

990
00:52:14,783 --> 00:52:19,527
were like,
"You got to give it up.

991
00:52:19,571 --> 00:52:22,748
"It's very good--
good timing, good execution.

992
00:52:22,791 --> 00:52:27,144
"He's in my top five.

993
00:52:27,187 --> 00:52:29,058
"It goes him, Chemical Ali,
Mohamed Atta,

994
00:52:29,102 --> 00:52:32,453
KRS-One for some reason
got in there."

995
00:52:36,327 --> 00:52:39,547
A couple years ago, I went
to a San Diego Chargers game

996
00:52:39,591 --> 00:52:41,027
in San Diego.

997
00:52:41,070 --> 00:52:42,724
Like, I'm from Seattle,

998
00:52:42,768 --> 00:52:45,553
so me and my buddies,
we went in our Seahawks gear,

999
00:52:45,597 --> 00:52:48,643
which I would probably
never do again,

1000
00:52:48,687 --> 00:52:51,342
because it's
a very hostile environment.

1001
00:52:51,385 --> 00:52:53,213
And as a minority,
you're not quite sure

1002
00:52:53,257 --> 00:52:55,346
if it's racism or not,

1003
00:52:55,389 --> 00:52:57,391
because it feels the same.

1004
00:52:57,435 --> 00:52:59,176
People were like, "Boo!

1005
00:52:59,219 --> 00:53:01,961
Go back where you came from!"

1006
00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:14,278
I'm like, "Is this because
of the jersey or my ethnicity?"

1007
00:53:14,321 --> 00:53:16,715
And he was like, "What do
you think, sand nigger?"

1008
00:53:16,758 --> 00:53:21,459
I'm like, "Oh, Jesus."

1009
00:53:21,502 --> 00:53:24,810
At least I know now.

1010
00:53:24,853 --> 00:53:26,551
My white friends loved it,
though,

1011
00:53:26,594 --> 00:53:27,900
because white people

1012
00:53:27,943 --> 00:53:29,684
never really get
discriminated against,

1013
00:53:29,728 --> 00:53:33,732
so it's like discrimination
fantasy camp for you guys.

1014
00:53:33,775 --> 00:53:35,212
They were like,
"Yo, let's go to the game

1015
00:53:35,255 --> 00:53:36,865
"in our Seahawks gear.

1016
00:53:36,909 --> 00:53:40,739
It'll be fun to have people
hate us for no reason."

1017
00:53:40,782 --> 00:53:43,698
[laughter and applause]

1018
00:53:46,484 --> 00:53:49,182
"Where else could we
ever have that happen?"

1019
00:53:53,317 --> 00:53:55,710
Being a minority
is like having an away jersey

1020
00:53:55,754 --> 00:53:57,886
you can never take off.

1021
00:54:01,020 --> 00:54:02,674
After the game,
my white friends were like,

1022
00:54:02,717 --> 00:54:03,979
"That was fun.

1023
00:54:04,023 --> 00:54:07,418
Back to being
a privileged white guy."

1024
00:54:07,461 --> 00:54:10,856
And I was like,
"Yeah...still fucked."

1025
00:54:18,733 --> 00:54:20,692
We love football
in this country, right?

1026
00:54:20,735 --> 00:54:21,780
You guys like football?

1027
00:54:21,823 --> 00:54:23,869
Yeah, everyone loves it.

1028
00:54:23,912 --> 00:54:27,089
But it's so violent,
when you think about it.

1029
00:54:27,133 --> 00:54:29,527
People get paralyzed
playing football,

1030
00:54:29,570 --> 00:54:34,488
and then they just continue
playing the rest of the game.

1031
00:54:34,532 --> 00:54:37,230
If I got paralyzed at a party,

1032
00:54:37,274 --> 00:54:41,016
I would hope that
the party would be over.

1033
00:54:41,060 --> 00:54:43,018
My friends come visit me
in the hospital, like,

1034
00:54:43,062 --> 00:54:44,498
"Hey, man, everyone's
really torn up

1035
00:54:44,542 --> 00:54:46,979
about you getting paralyzed
at that party."

1036
00:54:47,022 --> 00:54:50,983
I'm like, "Oh, what happened
after I left?"

1037
00:54:58,556 --> 00:55:01,646
"Oh, um...
the DJ dropped the beat."

1038
00:55:05,867 --> 00:55:08,609
Then they use the poor guy
as a mascot the following year.

1039
00:55:08,653 --> 00:55:10,002
They're like,
"We're gonna win this week.

1040
00:55:10,045 --> 00:55:11,351
"Don't take myword for it.

1041
00:55:11,395 --> 00:55:13,135
Remember this guy, everybody?"

1042
00:55:13,179 --> 00:55:15,964
[whirring]

1043
00:55:51,173 --> 00:55:54,089
[applause]

1044
00:56:10,323 --> 00:56:13,500
"I may have gotten paralyzed...

1045
00:56:13,544 --> 00:56:16,155
but go Panthers!"

1046
00:56:16,198 --> 00:56:18,418
Everyone's like, "Yeah!

1047
00:56:18,462 --> 00:56:20,899
He still wants us to win!"

1048
00:56:26,861 --> 00:56:28,689
I saw that movie
"Theory of Everything,"

1049
00:56:28,733 --> 00:56:30,299
that Stephen Hawking movie.

1050
00:56:30,343 --> 00:56:31,736
It was really good,

1051
00:56:31,779 --> 00:56:33,520
but it's kind of weird
watching a movie

1052
00:56:33,564 --> 00:56:36,305
where you already know
what happens to the person.

1053
00:56:36,349 --> 00:56:37,829
Because at the beginning
of the movie,

1054
00:56:37,872 --> 00:56:39,570
he's dancing around,
having a good time,

1055
00:56:39,613 --> 00:56:42,529
and you're like, "Ooh...

1056
00:56:45,489 --> 00:56:48,405
He doesn't know."

1057
00:56:50,885 --> 00:56:53,366
I didn't know that he was
married for 30 years,

1058
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:55,455
and he had three kids
with this woman,

1059
00:56:55,499 --> 00:56:59,111
and then he ended up leaving her
for another woman.

1060
00:56:59,154 --> 00:57:02,375
That's pretty baller,
when you think about it,

1061
00:57:02,419 --> 00:57:05,422
to be confined to a wheelchair,
unable to talk,

1062
00:57:05,465 --> 00:57:07,641
and still think to yourself,

1063
00:57:07,685 --> 00:57:09,643
"I can do better."

1064
00:57:15,388 --> 00:57:18,478
"This bitch
is holding me back."

1065
00:57:21,525 --> 00:57:24,441
"Hey, can you set up the ramp
so I can leave you?"

1066
00:57:34,015 --> 00:57:35,887
How did that exchange
even go down,

1067
00:57:35,930 --> 00:57:37,149
is what I want to know.

1068
00:57:37,192 --> 00:57:38,933
Like, normally,
when couples fight,

1069
00:57:38,977 --> 00:57:40,718
it's this verbal
ping-pong match,

1070
00:57:40,761 --> 00:57:41,719
like, "Fuck you!"

1071
00:57:41,762 --> 00:57:43,155
"No, fuck you!"

1072
00:57:43,198 --> 00:57:44,635
This woman just had
to have waited forever.

1073
00:57:44,678 --> 00:57:46,245
She's like,
"What, you just gonna leave me?"

1074
00:57:46,288 --> 00:57:47,551
And she has to wait for...

1075
00:57:47,594 --> 00:57:50,510
[clicking]

1076
00:57:59,824 --> 00:58:02,827
[clicking continues]

1077
00:58:11,183 --> 00:58:14,099
[clicking continues]

1078
00:58:18,451 --> 00:58:21,367
[robotic voice]
"You win some, you lose some."

1079
00:58:29,506 --> 00:58:32,421
[whirring]

1080
00:58:42,867 --> 00:58:44,216
I want to tell
these two stories

1081
00:58:44,259 --> 00:58:46,087
about my dad
before I get out of here.

1082
00:58:46,131 --> 00:58:47,741
So do you guys remember
"Independence Day"

1083
00:58:47,785 --> 00:58:49,569
when it came out,
the first one?

1084
00:58:49,613 --> 00:58:52,572
Will Smith--yeah.

1085
00:58:52,616 --> 00:58:54,095
So they were doing this, like,

1086
00:58:54,139 --> 00:58:56,489
Orson Welles "War of the Worlds"
type promo for it.

1087
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:59,013
Like, Fox had it seem
like aliens were invading Earth.

1088
00:58:59,057 --> 00:59:00,537
And it looked real.

1089
00:59:00,580 --> 00:59:03,583
They had, like,
a whole newscast, and I saw it,

1090
00:59:03,627 --> 00:59:05,411
and for some reason,
I was like,

1091
00:59:05,454 --> 00:59:08,283
"Dad, turn on the TV, quick!"

1092
00:59:12,592 --> 00:59:15,377
"Channel 13!"

1093
00:59:15,421 --> 00:59:18,380
And he turns it on,
and then he's just like--

1094
00:59:18,424 --> 00:59:23,037
he's, like, locked in, you know?

1095
00:59:23,081 --> 00:59:25,039
He's trying to catch up
on what I already know.

1096
00:59:25,083 --> 00:59:27,607
"Aliens, okay."

1097
00:59:27,651 --> 00:59:29,043
And then he's flipping
the channels, and he's like,

1098
00:59:29,087 --> 00:59:32,264
"How come it's only
on channel 13?"

1099
00:59:32,307 --> 00:59:34,005
I'm like, "I don't know.

1100
00:59:34,048 --> 00:59:37,661
They must have
an exclusive or something."

1101
00:59:37,704 --> 00:59:40,794
So there's this iconic scene

1102
00:59:40,838 --> 00:59:43,971
where, you know, the spaceship
flies over the White House,

1103
00:59:44,015 --> 00:59:45,756
and then the bay doors open up,

1104
00:59:45,799 --> 00:59:49,368
and there's an electron charge,
and then it blasts down,

1105
00:59:49,411 --> 00:59:51,892
and then the White House
just explodes

1106
00:59:51,936 --> 00:59:54,199
into a million pieces.

1107
00:59:54,242 --> 00:59:56,462
My dad's sitting
on the edge of the bed.

1108
01:00:03,904 --> 01:00:05,689
And he goes...

1109
01:00:05,732 --> 01:00:08,169
"Whaaat?"

1110
01:00:13,479 --> 01:00:18,658
Like, that was my dad's reaction
to the end of the world.

1111
01:00:18,702 --> 01:00:21,748
"Whaaat?"

1112
01:00:21,792 --> 01:00:23,141
Not, "I love you, son.

1113
01:00:23,184 --> 01:00:25,622
We're gonna get
through this somehow."

1114
01:00:25,665 --> 01:00:28,886
At that moment, he didn't have
kids or a wife.

1115
01:00:28,929 --> 01:00:32,019
"Whaaat?

1116
01:00:32,063 --> 01:00:34,587
How does this affect me?"

1117
01:00:37,982 --> 01:00:39,766
Another story.

1118
01:00:39,810 --> 01:00:41,550
So I've been doing stand-up
for a really long time now.

1119
01:00:41,594 --> 01:00:43,422
Like, I started when I was 18.

1120
01:00:43,465 --> 01:00:46,468
And, like,
stand-up is not something

1121
01:00:46,512 --> 01:00:49,123
that immigrant parents
have their kids do.

1122
01:00:49,167 --> 01:00:50,255
It's like I was doing heroin.

1123
01:00:50,298 --> 01:00:52,431
Like, they weren't into it.

1124
01:00:52,474 --> 01:00:54,738
We would get into shouting
matches and everything.

1125
01:00:54,781 --> 01:00:56,478
And my dad, he'd be like,

1126
01:00:56,522 --> 01:00:58,698
"You're out there every night,

1127
01:00:58,742 --> 01:01:01,701
with the pimps
and the prostitutes."

1128
01:01:06,793 --> 01:01:11,450
I'm like, "What comedy club
are you going to?"

1129
01:01:11,493 --> 01:01:13,626
Some guy in a fur coat
and a pimp cane, like,

1130
01:01:13,670 --> 01:01:16,063
"Ha-ha, yeah.

1131
01:01:16,107 --> 01:01:22,069
Ha-ha-ha, yeah,
here's some dice for you."

1132
01:01:22,113 --> 01:01:24,202
So he would just, like,
blow up every three months,

1133
01:01:24,245 --> 01:01:26,030
and it was shouting matches
and everything.

1134
01:01:26,073 --> 01:01:27,771
I had to be very secretive
about my comedy.

1135
01:01:27,814 --> 01:01:29,642
I would be writing
in spiraled notebooks

1136
01:01:29,686 --> 01:01:31,122
up in my bedroom.

1137
01:01:31,165 --> 01:01:32,471
I'd be like,
"Yeah, that'd be funny."

1138
01:01:32,514 --> 01:01:33,951
And then my dad,

1139
01:01:33,994 --> 01:01:35,561
I would hear his footsteps
coming upstairs,

1140
01:01:35,604 --> 01:01:38,042
and I would just, like,
hide the notebook under my bed.

1141
01:01:38,085 --> 01:01:39,478
And he'd be like,
"What's going on in here?"

1142
01:01:39,521 --> 01:01:43,743
I'd be like,
"Uh, just jerking off."

1143
01:01:43,787 --> 01:01:47,312
"Okay, good, that's good.

1144
01:01:49,140 --> 01:01:50,141
"Just no jokes.

1145
01:01:50,184 --> 01:01:52,317
"Jerk all you--just no jokes.

1146
01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:54,754
Jerk all you want."

1147
01:01:56,408 --> 01:02:00,673
So the Apollo Theater
Amateur Night on Tour

1148
01:02:00,717 --> 01:02:01,892
came to Seattle.

1149
01:02:01,935 --> 01:02:03,720
They hit up
different major cities.

1150
01:02:03,763 --> 01:02:05,983
Seattle is one of the stops,
and you could audition for it.

1151
01:02:06,026 --> 01:02:07,419
And I went, I auditioned.

1152
01:02:07,462 --> 01:02:08,899
I was like 19, I think,
at the time.

1153
01:02:08,942 --> 01:02:10,204
And I got in.

1154
01:02:10,248 --> 01:02:12,685
Like, out of 342 people,
I got in.

1155
01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:13,686
Eleven were selected.

1156
01:02:13,730 --> 01:02:14,687
And they really liked me.

1157
01:02:14,731 --> 01:02:15,732
They really liked my stuff.

1158
01:02:15,775 --> 01:02:16,907
So I invited everybody.

1159
01:02:16,950 --> 01:02:18,473
I invited my parents,

1160
01:02:18,517 --> 01:02:20,737
you know, teachers from school.

1161
01:02:20,780 --> 01:02:22,826
Just everybody came out.

1162
01:02:22,869 --> 01:02:24,958
And then it came my turn
to come out on stage,

1163
01:02:25,002 --> 01:02:27,569
and I'm like,
"Hey, guys, my name's Fahim.

1164
01:02:27,613 --> 01:02:29,397
You know, it's an Afghan name."

1165
01:02:29,441 --> 01:02:30,921
And this is
kind of shortly after 9/11.

1166
01:02:30,964 --> 01:02:34,838
Probably not the best opener.

1167
01:02:34,881 --> 01:02:35,969
So I'm like, "Yeah--"

1168
01:02:36,013 --> 01:02:36,970
And there was like, "Boo!"

1169
01:02:37,014 --> 01:02:38,058
"Boo, boo!"

1170
01:02:38,102 --> 01:02:39,233
Just cascades of boos.

1171
01:02:39,277 --> 01:02:40,321
Like, "Boo!"

1172
01:02:40,365 --> 01:02:41,758
And the siren goes off like...

1173
01:02:41,801 --> 01:02:45,152
[ascending siren noise]

1174
01:02:45,196 --> 01:02:46,719
The guy's tap-dancing me off,

1175
01:02:46,763 --> 01:02:51,202
and I'm like,
"I know how this works."

1176
01:02:51,245 --> 01:02:53,770
Very surreal to get booed
by that many people, you know?

1177
01:02:53,813 --> 01:02:56,816
And then, the rest of the story,
I hear from my brother,

1178
01:02:56,860 --> 01:02:58,818
because we took separate cars.

1179
01:02:58,862 --> 01:03:00,689
Like, my family and myself,
we took separate cars.

1180
01:03:00,733 --> 01:03:02,256
So my brother tells me,

1181
01:03:02,300 --> 01:03:05,042
they're in the Dodge Caravan,
driving home.

1182
01:03:05,085 --> 01:03:07,044
It's deathly silent.

1183
01:03:07,087 --> 01:03:11,483
It's just my brother, my mom,
my dad, my cousin Neelo.

1184
01:03:11,526 --> 01:03:15,487
No one's saying anything
for like 30 minutes.

1185
01:03:15,530 --> 01:03:18,620
And then my dad finally
breaks the silence by going,

1186
01:03:18,664 --> 01:03:20,448
"Well...

1187
01:03:20,492 --> 01:03:25,018
there's no business
like show business."

1188
01:03:27,847 --> 01:03:29,849
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight, guys.

1189
01:03:29,893 --> 01:03:32,417
I really appreciate it,
thank you.

1190
01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:36,638
Thanks for coming.

1191
01:03:36,682 --> 01:03:39,598
[cheers and applause]